Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
