Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
