i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
