I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Operation Purity has been aborted
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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