I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Randomize
