i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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