Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
