dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
it wasn't lemon gatorade
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
