how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
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I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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