Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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