i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
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I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
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He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment