Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
