R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
