i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
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Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
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Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
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