I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
