A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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