i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
