I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
