end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
