I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
