How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
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