This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
My ATM looks so different sober.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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