if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
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