Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
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Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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