I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
