Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
