i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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