used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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