Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
