please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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