I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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