my soul wont recognize me after tonight
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
