if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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