im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
