1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Randomize
