her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
