You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
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