I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
