guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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