i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I just googled if crying burns calories
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
