I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize