god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
