I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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