Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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