so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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