Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
