Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
