just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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