i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
