I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
