Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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