How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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