Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
