Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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