Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
