blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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