he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
