Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
it was like eating out sand paper
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
