It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
